will have said nothing

my soul is sitting-waiting at the tips of my lips
as I attempt to swallow you whole, suffocating on the way you look
I am ready to trust, childlike, looking from underneath at the above the above
every movement I thread with thoughtful consideration
of how you would like it
mor emore
moremore
I become loud losing the ground
beneath us

my memory was hostless for days and now it is mad. plays pitiful tricks on my sunlit playground. brings stuff from the depths of the sandpile back onto the surface. can't forget can't forget. I signal you. gently. and you rush over to signal me. and we hold hands. so that nobody notices. that's how we are holly. unreleased press coverages. locked in adoration of each other and our beautiful miracle, playing the saddest songs. my memory is heavily armed with weapons of mass soul destruction. massive soul destruction. I would rather die than have never known you. I would rather have my memory suppress my pleasures for life than not have known you. I would rather anything


oh how can I end this, there is no end, all I say cancels out, I will have said nothing